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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
3:07 pm - oh!
or, why i did not pursue a Ph.D in philosophy [which was my major]...

"...all the questions that interested me were really pseudo-questions, mere phantoms of my mental night. i couldn't deny that i suffered from metaphysical tendencies, though i hadn't realized ... that they constituted an affliction. i would have said that Reality is the subject matter of philosophy, but the very word, i [have] now learned, was philosophically taboo for its suggestion of metaphysical tendencies.
"...the field had made the 'linguistic turn' and i...had not. the questions were now all of language. instead of wrestling with the large, messy questions that have occupied previous centuries of ethicists, for example, one should examine the rules that govern words like 'good' and 'ought.'
"...the philosophical mind has long craved a limited universe. the pre-socratic pythagoreans, in their table of opposites, listed 'limited' on the side occupied by 'order,' 'light,' 'good,' and 'male.' but only the last generation or two of philosophers have managed to show how very limited reality really is, extending no farther than our powers of expression. what a relief. what a blessed relief. no more bogeymen jumping out of dark corners shouting, 'it can't be known! you'll never understand it!' these epistemological horrors used to be waiting at every philosophical turn. now the nursery lamp of linguistic analysis has been turned on, dispelling all those scary shadows. there is the bright, cheery world of the nursery, small and familiar, with no sense of the unknown creeping in...."

the mind-body problem pp.13-14

current mood: thoughtful

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Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
10:51 am - shut eye
everyone is in strange and reticent spirits these days,... except me! i'm feelin' mighty fine. unlike the ignorant masses, i began my new year this past sunday (with the new moon) and it has gone a long way toward invigorating my otherwise very ennervated body and spirit. it's amazing what a flue will do... it shaved two weeks off and threw me back into my cacoon.

other than that, i thought i would share this little anecdote about the baker couple:

johnny b. is one of those who, when talking in his sleep, will respond if prompted. last last night, amber heard him say, "i am having the best time!"
so she asked, "why? what are you doing?"
he replied, "i'm sleeping!"

like the goode, i too, have the best time while sleeping...

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Sunday, December 30th, 2001
2:40 pm - new year's eve's eve

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

i think on moonday night i may be wandering hollywood blvd... something called "together as one". 7 blocks shut down and djs spinning and whatnotting... except it's $50 so maybe not. maybe the knitting factory???

saw 'lord of the rings' yesterday at the howard hughes imax theatre. passed michael mckeon (lenny from laverne & shirley) near the escalators... the movie is ... well.... i liked it, especially after they created the fellowship. parts of it cracked me up, like when frodo's friend, sam, walks into the ocean and nearly kills himself. is that a paradigm of loyalty? he could have at least attempted to tread water.

current mood: awake

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Thursday, December 27th, 2001
3:59 pm - k-day 2
i'm still trying to figure out how to view this livejournal outlet, so self-consc/write/ious am i...

xmas passed relatively painlessly. i was surprised! i thought it would be excruciating in the usual sense: the onslaught of relative-accusation/dissapointment. not one finger pointed at me! instead, we managed to connect on rabble-rousing basketball. funny, it was totally them against me in a lakers v. sixers revisitation of last year's finals. (i am very taken with sixers' diminutive -by basketball standards- allen iverson...) so my team lost, but the inner demons saw me triumphant.

self-imposed isolation has done me good. i follow lord buddha's advice and keep the crazy-makers at arm's length (king kong is the arm of measure.)

besides, my homelife is in a state of upheaval. the landlord has been forced by the city to make huge repairs to the apartment, including replacing some of the wood of the ceiling in my bedroom. so a majority of my crap is heaped in the living room. and it feels good. i'm gonna get rid of most of it; it has wayed me down too long... so say the feng shei masters.

any suggestions for new years???

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Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
3:23 pm - The Many Wines - Rumi
God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.

God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.

God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.

God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.

There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.

Don't think all ecstacies
are the same!

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution.

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,

and is just ambling about.

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Monday, August 27th, 2001
9:48 am - my life as a butterfly
if my life parallels anything in nature, it would be that of the butterfly.
Life Cycle of a Butterfly

1. The first stage is called the egg stage. The mother butterfly lays eggs on a leaf.

2. In the larva stage, the egg hatches on the leaf and out comes a caterpillar.

3. In the pupa stage the caterpillar grows and it pops out of its old skin, already wearing a new one. This phenomenon occurs four or five times, after which the caterpillar begins to produce silk. With this silk, it attaches its body to a leaf or twig (or in our experiment, to a piece of cheese clothe on our plastic jar lid.) It then sheds its furry skin for the last time. Under the skin is a hard form called chrysalis. The caterpillar's body turns to a soft liquid, from which the wings, legs and other body parts of the butterfly will form.

4. The adult stage is also called the Imago.

5. The Imago stage begins when the chrysalis is broken and the butterfly breaks out.

I think I'm at the stage where I've just shed my furry skin and am now encased in my chrysalis.

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
9:19 am - birthday synchronicity
so i made this

last night and as i was walking from the parking lot toward the sculpture garden, who should be walking toward me but the wizard himself, (a walking sculpture), mr. david c. gartrell.

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Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
9:37 pm - rilke's advice:
"...Consider yourself and your feeling right every time... If you are wrong after all, the natural growth of your inner life will lead you slowly and with time to other insights. Leave to your opinions their own quiet undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be pressed or hurried by anything. Everything is gestation and then bringing forth. To let each impression and each germ of a feeling come to completion wholly in itself, in the dark, in the inexpressible, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own intelligence, and await with deep humility and patience the birth-hour of a new clarity; that alone is living the artist's life..."

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Thursday, August 16th, 2001
9:31 am - random thoughts
dear livejivejournal, i don't know what to say.

between my ears is just buzzing and all that connotes.

i just read about http://www.sagewisdom.org.

they aren't accepting credit card orders at the moment. i am meant to wait, or write a check.

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Tuesday, April 17th, 2001
3:12 pm - Nick Cave on The Love Song
"The Love Song must be borne into the realm of the irrational, the absurd, the distracted, the melancholic, the obsessive and the insane, for the Love Song is the noise of love itself and love is, of course, a form of madness. Whether it be the love of God, or romantic, erotic love --- these are manifestations of our need to be torn away from the rational, to take leave of our senses, so to speak. Love songs come in many forms and are written for a host of reasons, as declarations of love or revenge, to praise or to wound or to flatter --- I have written songs for all of these reasons --- but ultimately the Love Song exists to fill, with language, the silence between ourselves and God, to decrease the distance between the temporal and the divine."
-------- The Secret Life of the Love Song

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Sunday, April 15th, 2001
1:29 pm - eeeeeee-stir
it is easter sunday and i have abandoned all churches. i am sure that the feelings within me are temporary and that nothing is as it seems. today is a day of resurrection, but what are we meant to resurrect? in my opinion, it is insane that we should celebrate as spiritual this idea that a corporeal being rose from the dead. isn't that a contradiction with which we should not be able to reconcile ourselves? i know i'm not making sense... it doesn't fucking matter. if you ask me, we should use this day, "easter," as a day to reconcile ourselves with things with which we may have lost touch. let us resurrect that which we may have, through neglect or ignorance or what have you, that which we have let wither. in this spirit, i put all of my plants out on the balcony so that they could experience sunlight.

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Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
9:54 am - Buddy Christ
so i almost wanna buy one of these but for it's association with the film dogma. i did kind of like the movie but all the actresses in it sucked. the actors were good, the actresses sucked. but "actresses" are now calling themselves "actors" so does that mean they all sucked? or that no one sucked?

anyways, this is what i wanna buy:

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Friday, March 23rd, 2001
2:14 pm - free-day, three-day
this morning i received the happy news that we don't have to work on moonday. how cool is that? tonight is another 'new breed orchestra' gig and i don't feel like going. to set aside one's obligations is mere postponement.

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Friday, March 9th, 2001
5:06 pm - echinOceans
my supervisor, genie, brought in echinacea drops. she told me to throw about 30 drops into boiling hot water to kill the taste. i used to drink the stuff in water that was room temperature which was yucky. but the hot water thing made all the difference.

i just returned from a meeting during which i was told that i qualify for Career staff, rather than Casual, which is what i've been ever since i started working for UCLA. do i really want a carreer here? i dunno, but tomorrow i'm going to see a psychic to see whazzup.

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Thursday, March 8th, 2001
1:40 pm - superblah
i am superblah right now, the anti-heroine. nyquil hangover. cough. sniff. hack.
saw 'man on the moon' last night on a 12" screen. courtney love wrestles jim carrey. they fall in love. whatever.

when i feel better, i'll compose.
'til then, like this by plath:

soliloquy of the solipsist

I walk alone;
The midnight street
Spins itself from under my feet:
When my eyes shut
These dreaming houses all snuff out;
Through a whim of mine
Over gables the moon's celestial onion
Hangs high.

Make houses shrink
And trees diminish
By going far; my look's leash
Dangles the puppet-people
Who, unaware how they dwindle,
Laugh, kiss, get drunk,
Nor guess that I choose to blink
They die.

When in good humor,
Give grass its green
Blazon sky blue, and endow the sun
With gold;
Yet, in my wintriest moods, I hold
Absolute power
To boycott color and forbid any flower
To be.

Know you appear
Vivid at my side,
Denying you sprang out of my head,
Claiming you feel
Love fiery enough to prove flesh real,
Though it's quite clear
All your beauty, all your wit, is a gift, my dear,
From me.

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Wednesday, November 29th, 2000
1:20 pm - paths cross
lyrics to one of my favorite patti smith songs:

Paths That Cross

Speak to me
Speak to me heart
I feel a needing
to bridge the clouds
Softly go
A way I wish to know
A way I wish to know

Oh you'll ride
Surely dance
In a ring
Backwards and forwards
Those who seek
feel the glow
A glow we will all know
A glow we will all know

On that day
Filled with grace
And the heart's communion
Steps we take
Steps we trace
Into the light of reunion

Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Speak to me
Speak to me shadow
I spin from the wheel
nothing at all
Save the need
the need to weave
A silk of souls
that whisper whisper
A silk of souls
that whispers to me

Speak to me heart
all things renew
hearts will mend
round the bend
Paths that cross
cross again
Paths that cross
will cross again

Rise up hold the reins
We'll meet again I don't know when
Hold tight bye bye
Paths that cross
will cross again
Paths that cross
Will cross again


i smoked two cigarettes with dave grohl at the knitting factory this past sunday.

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Thursday, November 16th, 2000
8:12 pm - ...in the saddle
what to say? what to say?

last night i hit the bottle too hard. it's difficult to avoid when your favorite bartender fills your glass as soon as it's empty.

after dropping carl off, amy and i went to del's saloon and replaced carl with alex. he's the Other Leo that digicat finally agreed was cute. i always said alex looks a bit like eddie vedder... we three came back here but were too loud. last scene: alex's living room.

last sunday, after i returned from vegas, i joined the bakery, the digicat, the wongbat, silvia and eddie to celebrate john the baker's birthday. excellent sushi in a valley mini-mall. eddie is sweet, more bashful than me.

other than that, here's a pic of us and Justin Meldal-Johnsen, beck's cool-ass bass player which i actually grabbed from beck's official website:

and finally, the pic of me and beck (i look like a dufus, i know)...

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Tuesday, November 7th, 2000
3:05 am - hallowed

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Wednesday, October 25th, 2000
12:17 pm - mexican jumping sting

okay, this isn't exactly the pi�ata outfit that davey was talking aboooot, but this was the Other outfit that stingeek wore during 'synchronicity'. you get the idea. . .

to think, i used to really like sting. oh, how the mighty have fallen... that's what comes of doing jaguar commercials. . .

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2:28 am - next thing i know, it's my baby... dave grohl!
the blessings never cease...

again, betty pulls through on my heart's behalf. abracadabra and poof, i'm in the same sound studio where i saw beck, this time to see my favorite band... yup, yes, i can't believe it myself... the FOO FiGHTeRs!!!!!! can i type enough exclamation points?!!!

betty calls me this morning to tell me about the webcast, asking, "can you be here by 4PM?" to which i reply, "i'm scared! it's scarey being so close to someone i adore!" and "hell yes, i can be there!"

so with the beanie-digicat and betty the wongbat and a studio bursting to the seams with die-hard fans, employees and hangers-on, i am transported to a kind of heaven/hell. up close but not personal. . .

close enough to get autographs... i did NOT notice that my dear davey made a heart of his name for me! and me alone! me! me! me! i didn't notice 'til i came down from the high of being near him.

and of course i got a photo or two or three with him thanks to the bean pushing my leaden feet in his direction. she's a sly one, that bean. after procuring above heart autograph, i slid in next to him and he put his arm around me for an unnaturally long time because the beanie bang had been snappin' photos BEFORE we posed, therefore causing a camera delay before she could snap the photo in which we did pose.

i guess it's cuz i'm short, these rock stars, laying their heads on mine when we photograph together. . .

ask and you shall receive...
a crew dude gave me his backstage pass, but the beanie got the cool one. a band-roadie overheard her asking some other dude for his, and without further provocation, simply handed his over. and this bean of selflessness deigned to give the pass to me! so i've two of them:

did i mention that davey's growing his hair long again? my love for him is lust, but i just figured out that, like me, his mercury is in aquarius. so it's not ALL seXXX. but so what if it is?!

soooooooo funny, my davey. the webcast was live but thankfully will be archived in two weeks. one of the funniest things i remember is when he was talking about last night and how the band were watching old Police video from the Synchronicity period, (dave being an admirer of drummer, stewart copeland).

dave started hyper-marching to a reggae-beat, imitating sting. "you know what i discovered last night?" he asked. "that sting's a geek! anybody see Police video from that 'synchronicity' tour? sting was wearing something that made him look like a fuckin' pi�ata!"

i swear, the entire time, he had us all crackin' up. the dude cheers me immensely. and did i mention that i love him???

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